"Walmart" -- January 27, 2012

Hello!!  It didn't take me 6 months to write!!  Shocked?  Yes, so am I!  :) 

Well, it has been an interesting week.  First of all, Ben took all week off because he had some personal/business time that he had.  He heard his company was contemplating changing the policies, so he decided to go ahead and take the time he had before he lost it!  I was VERY appreciative!  I love it when Ben is home.  I feel like I can get EVERYTHING done when he's here!!  Transitioning again when he goes back to work, however, will be daunting, but I won't think about that yet!!!  :)  Anyhoo, so the week got started on a great note!  I was totally looking forward to an "easy-peasy" week, filled with awesome family time and laughs!  While that has happened, we have also seen quite a few "autistic" days from Ryan.  I can only assume it's because our regular routine has been interrupted.  We have had lots of days out, which contributes to Ryan's anxiety.  He has done pretty well all week until TODAY...cue the ominous music...dun, Dun, DUN!!!!  :)  I joke, but I wasn't very happy at the moment!  So, we decided to beat the Friday night grocery shopping at walmart and went shortly after breakfast this morning.  Ryan woke up super happy saying, "HI MOMMY!!!"  Eyes squinting from the very bright kitchen light.  I was encouraged to see him so happy.  But then again Ryan is ALWAYS happy at home.  It is his comfort.  It is his routine.  He can be Ryan at home.  So, we ate breakfast, got dressed and flew out the door about 10am.  Yah, that's pretty good for us and 4 children!  As soon as we turn towards Walmart, Ryan spots the McDonalds which is right before Walmart.  He says, "McDonalds?  McDonalds?"  We have had a few times at McDonalds lately and he has really started to enjoy it.  It helps that he can now make it up the playplace pretty much independent from Gracie...though she helps him up occasionally!  We started to say, "No, Ryan we are going to shop first, then we will eat lunch!"  We were meeting a friend for lunch after shopping, so we were trying to get him off McDonalds.  Well, we started driving into the Walmart parking lot and Ryan began to say, "No, goooo hooome.  Gooooooooo Hoooooooooome!!!!!!!"  I immediately know this is going to be a fight!  When Ryan is out of his comfort and can't control his circumstances, he panics.  We were starting a full-blown panic attack.  We got him out of the van fine.  But once we started towards Walmart, he broke loose from my hand and started running towards McDonalds.  I start re-thinking this whole walmart trip...NO, I will not let this bad behavior win.  I am going to try, try, try again.  I took his hand and calmly tell him, "We are going to shop for groceries Ryan, then we will eat some lunch."   We began to walk calmly into Walmart.  Whew, I did it, I thought!  We got completely in the door and Ryan began to scream.  Anyone who knows Ryan knows that this kid can SCREAM!  All I was thinking was these people probably think I am stealing this poor child away from his real mother!  Ben and I tried to get him in the cart....that's definitely a no go!  We ask if he wants to walk...that's also a no go!  I am telling you, when Ryan has been pushed to the limit with his anxiety, there is absolutely NO PLEASING him.  We can suggest everything possible, but he will not budge.  I began to pray right there in the middle of Walmart with tears in my eyes.  I tried to calm him down with every single thing I had.  I was frustrated, annoyed, embarassed, exhausted...insert emotion here because I was definitely all of the above!  But Ben in his AWESOMENESS said, "Nicole, you go shop, I will keep him calm."  Thankfully, our friend that we were going to lunch with after shopping was there, so she helped me shop while Ben kept Ryan.  So thankful for wonderful friends and a spouse that is so self-sacrificing! 

So, now for some straight up honesty, this experience really hurt my heart.  Every time I think Ryan is progressing and taking great strides, we have days like today!  I know that God is in control and He will use this journey to strengthen me, but today I felt beat down.  I am believing that I will see the other side of this "mountain" and thank the Lord for my "time in the trenches", but today belief is all I have. 

Thank you, Lord, that your thoughts are above my thoughts and your ways are above my ways.  I am believing you are for me and not against me.  I am believing that You never leave me nor forsake me.  I am believing that Ryan is my son for a reason.  I am believing that You will use days like today for Your Glory.  I am believing that Ryan was made to bring people into Your Kingdom.  I am believing Your Word.  I am believing that Your promises are sure.  I am believing that you knit every piece of Ryan together in my womb.  I am believing that Benjamin and I are made to parent Ryan in the exact way You want him to be parented.    I am believing.