Hello All! So, it shows I have allowed life to get in the way and not blogged about things when I have to remind myself how to work this blog thing! All these new-fangled ways of communication...I feel so old! :)
I thought I needed to blog and get some thoughts down last night as I was up with Ryan...yet again. Lately, he has had a very hard time settling down to sleep. Once he finally falls asleep in his bed (about 11ish), he wakes up about 2-3am, yelling quotes from movies, squeeling, pounding on the wall, hitting his door against the wall repeatedly, screaming "MOOOOOMMMY!!!" as loud as he can. Needless to say, I'm worn out. I have seen quite a few regressions lately and to be very honest, it scares me tremendously. Ben and I have recently filed for disability through social security and have not heard yet about our situation. We had to take Ryan to two assessments in order for them to see if we qualified. The first one was a speech evaluation, which to my surprise actually, Ryan passed with flying colors. The evaluator said he was on target for his age in his speech production. She didn't evaluate the context of the speech...just production (how Ryan said words). The second, was an IQ test. The evaluator asked Ryan maybe 4 questions, and knew right away she wasn't going to get anywhere with him. She was quite taken with Ryan, however, and seemed to be very interested in getting me the help we need. She asked if she could call Madison County schools to see what my legal right was as far as services that we could receive from home! I told her, "OF COURSE!" I am in need of any kind of help and guidance. I believe she came into our lives for a reason.
The last month, I would say, I have been observing Ryan very closely. His speech is not improving. His eye contact is worsening. He has started walking on his toes (a symptom of autism). He is getting progressively anxious when going anywhere. His sleeping patterns are all over the place. He is becoming very quiet and withdrawn, oftentimes looking into the distance, taking a long time to get get focused back. I am worried.
I didn't realize how much I have kept all this worry inside until my very good friend, Rachel Ross, called me this morning and I totally broke down on her! Sorry, Rach! :) Thanks for listening!
I know that God is good and faithful, but sometimes I don't feel it. I have to trust in the fact that I BELIEVE in Jesus and that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. BELIEF is all I stand on right now. I trust in the Lord because He has never left me and He will never leave me. I see His guidance on this path and I will stand until He tells me to move forward.
Though I have seen these regressions in Ryan, I don't see him (nor will I ever see him) as damaged goods. He is my son and the Lord specifically designed him to be in this family. Ben and I are searching for the best for him, but ultimately he is the Lord's and I have to constantly give him back to him. I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean NOT on my own understanding. In all my ways, acknowlege HIM, AND HE WILL DIRECT MY PATH.
Thank you, Jesus for your promises. I will stand upon your Word forever.
