So, my mom was reading in her Bible the morning she read my "Walmart" blog and the verse she was reading fits INCREDIBLY perfect for the previous blog I posted. When I see God fit things together I am just amazed at His goodness and faithfulness....SO, I just have to share!!!!
Psalm 27:13-14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!
Thanks, mom!!!!! You are always an encourager in the Word of TRUTH! Love you so much.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
"Walmart" -- January 27, 2012
Hello!! It didn't take me 6 months to write!! Shocked? Yes, so am I! :)
Well, it has been an interesting week. First of all, Ben took all week off because he had some personal/business time that he had. He heard his company was contemplating changing the policies, so he decided to go ahead and take the time he had before he lost it! I was VERY appreciative! I love it when Ben is home. I feel like I can get EVERYTHING done when he's here!! Transitioning again when he goes back to work, however, will be daunting, but I won't think about that yet!!! :) Anyhoo, so the week got started on a great note! I was totally looking forward to an "easy-peasy" week, filled with awesome family time and laughs! While that has happened, we have also seen quite a few "autistic" days from Ryan. I can only assume it's because our regular routine has been interrupted. We have had lots of days out, which contributes to Ryan's anxiety. He has done pretty well all week until TODAY...cue the ominous music...dun, Dun, DUN!!!! :) I joke, but I wasn't very happy at the moment! So, we decided to beat the Friday night grocery shopping at walmart and went shortly after breakfast this morning. Ryan woke up super happy saying, "HI MOMMY!!!" Eyes squinting from the very bright kitchen light. I was encouraged to see him so happy. But then again Ryan is ALWAYS happy at home. It is his comfort. It is his routine. He can be Ryan at home. So, we ate breakfast, got dressed and flew out the door about 10am. Yah, that's pretty good for us and 4 children! As soon as we turn towards Walmart, Ryan spots the McDonalds which is right before Walmart. He says, "McDonalds? McDonalds?" We have had a few times at McDonalds lately and he has really started to enjoy it. It helps that he can now make it up the playplace pretty much independent from Gracie...though she helps him up occasionally! We started to say, "No, Ryan we are going to shop first, then we will eat lunch!" We were meeting a friend for lunch after shopping, so we were trying to get him off McDonalds. Well, we started driving into the Walmart parking lot and Ryan began to say, "No, goooo hooome. Gooooooooo Hoooooooooome!!!!!!!" I immediately know this is going to be a fight! When Ryan is out of his comfort and can't control his circumstances, he panics. We were starting a full-blown panic attack. We got him out of the van fine. But once we started towards Walmart, he broke loose from my hand and started running towards McDonalds. I start re-thinking this whole walmart trip...NO, I will not let this bad behavior win. I am going to try, try, try again. I took his hand and calmly tell him, "We are going to shop for groceries Ryan, then we will eat some lunch." We began to walk calmly into Walmart. Whew, I did it, I thought! We got completely in the door and Ryan began to scream. Anyone who knows Ryan knows that this kid can SCREAM! All I was thinking was these people probably think I am stealing this poor child away from his real mother! Ben and I tried to get him in the cart....that's definitely a no go! We ask if he wants to walk...that's also a no go! I am telling you, when Ryan has been pushed to the limit with his anxiety, there is absolutely NO PLEASING him. We can suggest everything possible, but he will not budge. I began to pray right there in the middle of Walmart with tears in my eyes. I tried to calm him down with every single thing I had. I was frustrated, annoyed, embarassed, exhausted...insert emotion here because I was definitely all of the above! But Ben in his AWESOMENESS said, "Nicole, you go shop, I will keep him calm." Thankfully, our friend that we were going to lunch with after shopping was there, so she helped me shop while Ben kept Ryan. So thankful for wonderful friends and a spouse that is so self-sacrificing!
So, now for some straight up honesty, this experience really hurt my heart. Every time I think Ryan is progressing and taking great strides, we have days like today! I know that God is in control and He will use this journey to strengthen me, but today I felt beat down. I am believing that I will see the other side of this "mountain" and thank the Lord for my "time in the trenches", but today belief is all I have.
Thank you, Lord, that your thoughts are above my thoughts and your ways are above my ways. I am believing you are for me and not against me. I am believing that You never leave me nor forsake me. I am believing that Ryan is my son for a reason. I am believing that You will use days like today for Your Glory. I am believing that Ryan was made to bring people into Your Kingdom. I am believing Your Word. I am believing that Your promises are sure. I am believing that you knit every piece of Ryan together in my womb. I am believing that Benjamin and I are made to parent Ryan in the exact way You want him to be parented. I am believing.
Well, it has been an interesting week. First of all, Ben took all week off because he had some personal/business time that he had. He heard his company was contemplating changing the policies, so he decided to go ahead and take the time he had before he lost it! I was VERY appreciative! I love it when Ben is home. I feel like I can get EVERYTHING done when he's here!! Transitioning again when he goes back to work, however, will be daunting, but I won't think about that yet!!! :) Anyhoo, so the week got started on a great note! I was totally looking forward to an "easy-peasy" week, filled with awesome family time and laughs! While that has happened, we have also seen quite a few "autistic" days from Ryan. I can only assume it's because our regular routine has been interrupted. We have had lots of days out, which contributes to Ryan's anxiety. He has done pretty well all week until TODAY...cue the ominous music...dun, Dun, DUN!!!! :) I joke, but I wasn't very happy at the moment! So, we decided to beat the Friday night grocery shopping at walmart and went shortly after breakfast this morning. Ryan woke up super happy saying, "HI MOMMY!!!" Eyes squinting from the very bright kitchen light. I was encouraged to see him so happy. But then again Ryan is ALWAYS happy at home. It is his comfort. It is his routine. He can be Ryan at home. So, we ate breakfast, got dressed and flew out the door about 10am. Yah, that's pretty good for us and 4 children! As soon as we turn towards Walmart, Ryan spots the McDonalds which is right before Walmart. He says, "McDonalds? McDonalds?" We have had a few times at McDonalds lately and he has really started to enjoy it. It helps that he can now make it up the playplace pretty much independent from Gracie...though she helps him up occasionally! We started to say, "No, Ryan we are going to shop first, then we will eat lunch!" We were meeting a friend for lunch after shopping, so we were trying to get him off McDonalds. Well, we started driving into the Walmart parking lot and Ryan began to say, "No, goooo hooome. Gooooooooo Hoooooooooome!!!!!!!" I immediately know this is going to be a fight! When Ryan is out of his comfort and can't control his circumstances, he panics. We were starting a full-blown panic attack. We got him out of the van fine. But once we started towards Walmart, he broke loose from my hand and started running towards McDonalds. I start re-thinking this whole walmart trip...NO, I will not let this bad behavior win. I am going to try, try, try again. I took his hand and calmly tell him, "We are going to shop for groceries Ryan, then we will eat some lunch." We began to walk calmly into Walmart. Whew, I did it, I thought! We got completely in the door and Ryan began to scream. Anyone who knows Ryan knows that this kid can SCREAM! All I was thinking was these people probably think I am stealing this poor child away from his real mother! Ben and I tried to get him in the cart....that's definitely a no go! We ask if he wants to walk...that's also a no go! I am telling you, when Ryan has been pushed to the limit with his anxiety, there is absolutely NO PLEASING him. We can suggest everything possible, but he will not budge. I began to pray right there in the middle of Walmart with tears in my eyes. I tried to calm him down with every single thing I had. I was frustrated, annoyed, embarassed, exhausted...insert emotion here because I was definitely all of the above! But Ben in his AWESOMENESS said, "Nicole, you go shop, I will keep him calm." Thankfully, our friend that we were going to lunch with after shopping was there, so she helped me shop while Ben kept Ryan. So thankful for wonderful friends and a spouse that is so self-sacrificing!
So, now for some straight up honesty, this experience really hurt my heart. Every time I think Ryan is progressing and taking great strides, we have days like today! I know that God is in control and He will use this journey to strengthen me, but today I felt beat down. I am believing that I will see the other side of this "mountain" and thank the Lord for my "time in the trenches", but today belief is all I have.
Thank you, Lord, that your thoughts are above my thoughts and your ways are above my ways. I am believing you are for me and not against me. I am believing that You never leave me nor forsake me. I am believing that Ryan is my son for a reason. I am believing that You will use days like today for Your Glory. I am believing that Ryan was made to bring people into Your Kingdom. I am believing Your Word. I am believing that Your promises are sure. I am believing that you knit every piece of Ryan together in my womb. I am believing that Benjamin and I are made to parent Ryan in the exact way You want him to be parented. I am believing.
Monday, January 16, 2012
"Alone Time" January 16, 2012
Well, it's 2012! Wow, a new year usually equals a new season for me! And boy, what a season I have found myself in! First of all, my pastor (Tim Lawson) has called a fast for the month of January to pray about some specifics about this year and our church! Exciting times, but also a time of stepping out in faith! I was at a loss as to what I should fast. I can't fast food because I am still breastfeeding, I fasted the internet last time...I asked the Lord what He wanted me to give up. I decided to wake up early one morning because I don't have any time during my day to really read the Word and focus my energy on the Lord. As I was up before the sun, reading some scripture, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear. "I want to spend one-on-one time with you every morning like this. Would you sacrifice your sleep for me?" Whew....Anyone with more than one child under the age of 3 is probably shuttering right now! HA! "Okay, Lord,...I think I can....I think I can...I think I can..." was my first response. I will try! *** So, it's been 2 weeks of waking up before the sun is up, finding my way to the kitchen, making some coffee, and nestling into my couch for some one-on-one time with the Lord!! Now, I have skipped 3 days...due to some laziness on my part, but for the most part, I have genuinely ENJOYED my early morning dates with Jesus. :) And boy, what a boldness I have had since my alone time with Him. I have noticed when I am CONNECTED to the Word, my whole day is at ease. Do I still have some choices to make when my flesh gets uneasy...of course!!! Our flesh is such a hard thing to train!! But I am doing it!!!! The reason I am blogging about this is because through my discipline, I have been able to see Ryan in a different light. I am more patient and kind with him. I don't get as overwhelmed. I have an eternal perspective when things are getting crazy. More than anything in the world, I need Ryan to know that he is loved beyond measure. Well, I want that for all my kids, but I need Ryan to know it down deep because as of right now he can't express it back. And that's ok. I have seen tidbits of his love language here and there and I hold on to those moments with all my heart!!!
Okay, so I will pause here because Ben wants to write something!
This is Ben, (Ryan's Dad) and I would like to share from Ryans point of view. Here goes.
"Hi, I'm Ryan, and I'm a good boy. I love to play with my Thomas trains and my Lightening McQueen and Chick Hicks cars. Mommy takes good care of me, and is always pushing me to try and learn something new, and do big boy stuff. I really like doing things that make me feel smart, like saying all my letters of the alphabet and their sounds. Some times, when life is a little overwhelming, and also when I'm just happy, I run from room to room using my "siren" voice. Gracie lets me tackle her, which I'm good at, and Dad wrestles with me a lot, which is good outlet for my energy. I also enjoy sitting under my comforter and pretending its a tent, and playing hide and seek. I enjoy my big family, and all my extended relatives. Life is good and I can't wait to be able to share all this with my own voice."
It's Nicole Again! Whew...ok, you just got a great picture of how my son works! We can't see what he is thinking and we can't always understand his words, and we don't truly know his perspective, but we are getting there! We know that he cares deeply for things. I know we will continue to unravel the mystery of Ryan little by little, day by day. But before that, we will love him where he is.
Okay, so I will pause here because Ben wants to write something!
This is Ben, (Ryan's Dad) and I would like to share from Ryans point of view. Here goes.
"Hi, I'm Ryan, and I'm a good boy. I love to play with my Thomas trains and my Lightening McQueen and Chick Hicks cars. Mommy takes good care of me, and is always pushing me to try and learn something new, and do big boy stuff. I really like doing things that make me feel smart, like saying all my letters of the alphabet and their sounds. Some times, when life is a little overwhelming, and also when I'm just happy, I run from room to room using my "siren" voice. Gracie lets me tackle her, which I'm good at, and Dad wrestles with me a lot, which is good outlet for my energy. I also enjoy sitting under my comforter and pretending its a tent, and playing hide and seek. I enjoy my big family, and all my extended relatives. Life is good and I can't wait to be able to share all this with my own voice."
It's Nicole Again! Whew...ok, you just got a great picture of how my son works! We can't see what he is thinking and we can't always understand his words, and we don't truly know his perspective, but we are getting there! We know that he cares deeply for things. I know we will continue to unravel the mystery of Ryan little by little, day by day. But before that, we will love him where he is.
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