Whew, I don't know where to start on this new entry. I am amazed at God's unending grace and mercy as we walk this life. So many ups and downs through our separate journeys and yet God understands each one of us. I don't understand it myself, but I stand amazed at this revelation and who HE IS. Thank you, Jesus.
Ok, I guess I need to give you some background before I start with my newest revelation in autism and understanding Ryan. This background starts with my own life story. Hang on tight...this might be a bumpy ride! :) I also need to preface this entry by saying we all have our own stories and struggles. I would encourage you all to dig deep and see why there are some reactions we may have to certain things. There may be unresolved bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, mourning, etc, that may need to be handled in order to experience TRUE freedom. This is what I am experiencing in my own life and want to share with the world! Please forgive me for the rawness and honesty I have, but I think I need to reveal how I am truly feeling, so I can experience true freedom through Christ and through the words of my testimony! Amen?
On to the story... :)
So, when I was about 8 years old, I was inappropriately handled by a friend of my brother's who was staying the night at our house. In that moment of sheer terror and since, satan has used this moment in my life to speak lies of destruction. As he does with everyone! His one and only purpose is to kill, steal and destroy everything about us! So even though I wasn't raped or molested (I truly can't imagine how that must have felt to those of you who have been. I am truly sorry for the pain that you have gone through!), satan went to work on my inner self. As soon as the door was open for him to do so, satan began to destroy my self worth, confidence, and ministry! He would tell me things like, "See, you thought you trusted him, huh?? Well, who can you trust now? No men are to be trusted. You really wanted this to happen, didn't you? You are worthless. You are ugly. Men only want one thing. Might as well stay silent. No one will listen to you. Gross, look at your body. You are nasty." Whew, and this started at 8 years old! By the time I reached my 20s, I hardly looked any man in the eye. I was petrified by the way I handled myself with a man. Did he think I was too forward? Is he going to do something to me? The reason I am telling you all this is to shed light on the darkness! Satan does this with everyone!!!! He is a liar and I want him to pay for the destruction he has done to me and most of you!!! Let's be free!
Ok, so how does this relate to Ryan and autism? Hang on, I am definitely getting there! Stay with me.
So, whenever I have breakthrough in my life when it comes to my security in Christ and self-confidence, satan does an "over-haul" on Ryan. I went to the Foursquare Women's Conference in Louisville this past weekend! AND.OH.MY.WORD! God spoke so plainly to me and wants me to know He is poising both Ben and I for ministry. He is working and moving towards what that ministry is going to look like in our lives. But I could tell that He is working on my heart most of all during this time. I am experiencing more and more freedom through Him and walking in boldness when it comes to the Gospel of Jesus Christ! It's awesome! But guess who hates this?!?!? Satan! So, I came home from just an amazing time listening to the Holy Spirit's gentle voice...and I crash into a deep, dark depression the next day! I hate satan! Yes, we have our choice to get out of that pit, but boy, it's HARD SOMETIMES! So, I am trudging along, trying to remember the wonderful things God revealed to me and I am just getting pummeled in the Spirit. I dont' know which way is up and which way is down! All of a sudden my insecurities from my past come flooding to me! I begin to question Ben about his purity. I am angry at him. In fact, we had play practice last night for an Easter play my church is putting on and as we were heading home, I lash out! I begin questioning his integrity with such harshness, Ryan starts to have a meltdown in the backseat of our van. What I have noticed with Ryan is he is so sensitive to spiritual things. Interesting, huh? But as I was processing all this, the Lord brought this revelation to me. Ryan is ultra sensitive to light, sound, touch, etc...why wouldn't he be ultra-sensitive to spiritual things? What an amazing gift that he has for the Holy Spirit, but also he will recognize when satan is getting in there, too. Because boy, the whole time I was getting angry with Ben about MY OWN self-worth issues, Ryan is having a hard time controlling his emotions. The Holy Spirit kept whispering to me, "Nicole, do you see what you are letting satan
God is revealing more and more things about Ryan to me and I think this is going to be very important for our future; to know how sensitive he is to the spiritual battles we go through on a daily basis. I want to teach him how to discern when to fight in the spiritual battles and when to cry out to the Lord for help. My eyes were definitely opened last night and I am very excited/interested to see how God uses this gift that Ryan has for His good purposes. I am so grateful for my children and the gifts God has placed inside each of them. As mothers and fathers, it's our job to recognize the giftings each child has and begin complimenting them, nurturing them, pulling them out so others can be encouraged and ultimately be saved. We have been entrusted to raise this next generation of leaders. What an amazing opportunity! Let's use our weaknesses/strengths to recognize how God wants to use us and our family for HIS GOOD PURPOSES.
Thank you, Jesus for your unconditional love. It amazes me everyday. Continue to reveal your TRUTH to us everyday as we try to make sense of this world around us. You are my all in all. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!
